are you still at the devil's house?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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