guys are only as good as the porn they watch
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Randomize
