and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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