I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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