Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i would punch a child for taco bell
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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