I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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