I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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