He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
why do cheetos always look like penises
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
