his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
