My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Randomize
