I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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