i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
