i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
