You really coming over, don't trick.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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