I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
