good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
