Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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