genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
