So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
