You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
