I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
