Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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