I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
