my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
