I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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