im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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