I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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