I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Randomize
