her vagina looked like bernie madoff
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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