I can text with my tongue
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
We had sex on a dog bed..
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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