I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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