I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
