hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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