fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
