I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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