There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
