Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
