Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
