so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
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