Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
