Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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