Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
