I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
