you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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