i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Randomize
