My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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