chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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