Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
