i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
