i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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